The UT Purity Test

Rice University did it first, but they’re all nerds and probably all score 100s. Let’s get a real college in here. Let’s get some damn 0s on the score books. If anyone can do it, it's UT Austin.

Caution: This is a bucket list. Not completing any of these items will result in you being a huge fucking nerd!

Click on every item you have done. MPS stands for Member of the Preferred Sex.

Blacked out on 6th Street?
Been drunk in class?
Used a Fake ID?
Been to a frat party?
Been to a Co-op party?
Transferred or CAP'd?
Q-Dropped a class?
Been hit by a scooter/bike on Speedway?
Fallen on campus during a passing period? By the way, everyone saw you and laughed.
Kissed your homie for a free TV?
Ridden the slide at Legacy on Rio?
Written graffiti on the bathroom walls?
Taken a picture of the UT balls where the tower looks like the penis?
Taken a first date to the turtle pond?
Been yelled at by Mike The Crossing Guard?
Engaged in freshman-senior coitus (as either party)?
Ridden the bull at Wild Greg's?
Ridden a camel at the Israel block party?
Ridden Big Red?
Worn flip-flops to class?
Taken nutrition?
Taken a UGS that Trump would disapprove of?
Been to the Kinsolving/Jester hot cookie bar?
Engaged in a DFMO (Dance Floor Makeout) with a MPS?
Been to Tuesgays?
Purchased any item from the Glassmith?
Smoked on an incredibly thin Wampus balcony?
Given or received a roofie at a frat party?
Hooked up with a guy with a “Saturdays are for the Boys” banner?
“Dated” a co-op DJ?
Seen a frat guy hit on a high schooler?
Made out or more in Jester?
Hooked up with someone on your dorm floor?
Touched yourself under the covers while your dorm-mate was sleeping? Edging counts!
Given or received oral sex to/from someone with a shag haircut?
Named your borg, “JP Borgan, Playborg Carti, or Borgasm”?
Actually checked out and read a book from the PCL?
Downloaded and deleted Hinge?
Got your period/deriod and it was burnt orange?
Did a multiple-round interview to get into an org?
Been rejected from a spirit org, business frat, Beevo Beekeeping, or Longhorn Racing?
Had gay sex with a DL frat guy?
Visited the glory hole at 26 West?
Been in the background of a Natalie Tran TikTok?
Ran into your ex-situationship at Epoch?
Won free burrito Friday (has anyone actually won this?)
Gotten physical in a Waymo?
Witnessed a couple having a difficult conversation on a west-campus bench?
Had a difficult conversation on a west-campus bench?
Told your friends about a ‘niche or more low key bar’ but it’s either Tweedy’s, Mockingbird, or Calamity’s?
Plotted the murder of one of the Jester Dancers?
Taken free stuff from a table on Speedway with no intention of checking out the org?
Approached the Arrows of Christ table?
Laid out shirtless to tan on the main lawn? (And hey! Ain’t nobody tryna see you all up in public like that. Grow up!)
Crossed the road on rainbet?
Claimed a football ticket with multiple tabs/devices, then left during halftime?
Exclaimed, “There's Bevo Hat guy!” at a football game?
Cheated on Honor Lock?
Ran into a Hinge match at Cables?
Ran into 3+ Hinge matches at Cables on the same night?
Changed your major?
Changed your gender?
Flirted with a professor/TA for a better grade?
Stood in line for a Speedway pop-up?
Gone insane in a windowless apartment?
Publicly urinated?
?
Worn an outfit constructed entirely from the $5 bin at Pavement?
Gotten an HIV test from the Out of the Closet thrift store on Guad?
Had a roommate who wouldn’t do the fucking dishes?
Had a roommate who wouldn’t fill up the fucking Brita?
Gone inside the church of Scientology for any reason?
Needed to download an app for a frat party?
Gotten your car towed from your own apartment's parking lot?
Left a bad Google review on your Wampus apartment and then the staff is really bitchy to you for the rest of the year?
Been forced to go to the Writing Center?
Felt personally victimized by the Texas Travesty on Speedway?
Read more than the headline on a Texas Travesty article?
Used the word “jizza”?
Waited an absurd amount of time for your food at the WCP Chick-fil-A?
Taken a shit in the Welch bathrooms?
Select this if you haven't been to West Fest. You deserve a reward.
Hit at least 100 Yakarma?
Threw up your entire P-Terry’s order?
Joined a run club?
Furnished your apartment with something from the dumpster?
Painted a brown butcher paper banner for a party?
Had no water or an abundance of water (flooding) in your West Campus apartment?
Partook in classism by silently judging a West Campus Ambassador?
From out of state? (you’re impure)
Had to do a coloring sheet for a class?
Tried to join a race-based org that you are visibly not a part of?
Driven to TXST/San Marcos just for a hookup?
Hooked up with a Yell Leader at Texas A&M? (Stand the fuck up!)
Unironically used the phrase “Keep Austin Weird”?
Pulled trig in a public restroom?
Cold-plunged at Barton Springs? (Oh, I just know you’re part of a run club…)
Participated in the Pluckers Wall of Flame challenge?
Engaged in Bevostiality?
Applied to the Texas Travesty?

The UT Purity test was created by the Texas Travesty newspaper at the University of Texas.
The original one was by the Rice Thresher at Rice University, but who cares?

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